The Fear of Losing
I don't know since when I'll be unable to sleep without hugging something.
Hello, just another sentimental grayish post that you might skip : |
Just to update my recent thoughts.
That I would want to remind myself about something.
*There wont be any italics, or bold or colored word. I want to keep it as lightly as possible :D
I've been losing a lot of people that I cared for over this 365 days.
Before I actually write this post, I actually drafted one in Chinese during working hour.
I was just slacking time off, I thought.
But I actually cried out while writing half way.
Too many things, too many memories that stroke me.
In front of so many people (But they're all sitting in front me) I cried so hard.
I couldn't stop. So I stopped writing.
It heals a bit. But I've been so down then.....
The time has been so cruel to let thing goes away.
Or I should say it's me that is so cruel.
I almost forgot how you look like already.
Or the moments that we shared. Or the things we've been thru.
I feel like you've gone forever after losing all the pictures.
I feel like I couldn't remember you forever.
The desktop wallpaper that I've changed into your photo since that day, I don't have the courage to change it.
I afraid that I'll eventually forget about you. and that I don't want to forget about you.
It's been awhile since the last time you visit me in dream.
When will you come to polish up the memories we shared? .............
Earlier this week, I woke up crying.
That dream was so long, that I almost believed that it's actually happening already.
I can't stop crying.
I dreamed that my boyfriend was died out of sudden.
I remembered I was blaming myself.
Why isn't me that was died?
Why always me, that was left behind?
Why am I alone again?
I remembered I cried till no tears were left.
But I was still crying.
I remembered I was committing suicide.
I was going to die myself.
Ended up my parents found me.
And I was locked up.
I remembered they were sending in doctors.
I remembered how suffer was I.
I tried to escape.
I remembered I've gone completely nuts.
I couldn't remember anyone.
I was so numb.
I was so tired.
And that's when my alarm finally woke me up.
Every inch of my body aches.
It felt like it's been a century.
And I felt so empty.
Immediately I tried to find my bf.
I grabbed him so tightly and squeeze myself into his hug.
I cried so hard.
It feels terrible losing him.
I don't want to lose him.
You're the only one left after him passing away.
You were there when he passed away.
And I'll be back to myself again if you also leave me.
I am so hung up.
I'm so engaged to the dark side of me.
I'm so attached to my bf --- I think that he will be going so breathless soon.
But that feeling that I feel after knowing he's actually alive, he's still here --- is something I'll never forget.
And that relieving feel that I get from his hug --- is something that I'd want to have it forever.
While realizing how serious I am, I also realized how important he is to me.
And I love you.
Guessing that I need to gain some alone time to clear things up.
And meanwhile I'll live my life as fullest as possible.
And to build up the inner me that is so scare of losing.
Hope it does not only reminds me but you too.
Appreciate while you can.
Life is short.